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rationality

rationality. or rather the lack of it. it sucks to know what I can do when I'm being irrational and half the time I completely lose any bit of rationality I have inside me to know I'm being irrational.

pushing the one who loves you deeply away just because you're irrational? I hate that I can get irrational so easily, quickly, abusing his love for me because I know a word "sorry" will immediately repair the wound. that's sick of you marilyn. he's so good to you, I'd wish you stop abusing his emotions like that.

and I wish I could do that. but how? I'm so heavily reliant on my mood that it's crazy. I don't want to be like that, susceptible to my mood and feelings to determine how I treat people. sometimes you just really got to put up a front, wipe your face, wear a mask when you're just boiling inside. and that sucks. in the real world it truly sucks. it truly sucks to remain professional, as though feelings don't matter.

but that's how it works. people expect some degree of surpression out at the work place for productivity.

I hate that I'm irrational. I hate that my thoughts and behaviour can be so susceptible to that day's mood. I should probably start applying the whole "leave it at the door" lesson learnt in theatre into more of life's trials.

please don't hurt him again. you're spiteful without thought when you're being irrational, yknow? and it's time you stop expecting the world to give in to you just because you can't think straight for a moment. every irrational fight with him costs you the relationship, and every irrational word said could cost you your reputation, and even further, your job. don't be crazy anymore. there's always the out path and I'd wish you had some remaining sense to take it when most of it is gone.

he means too much to you to lose him. wake up marilyn. stop being a baby.

stop the fire before it burns. that's if you know that it's burning. you cannot expect others to know it's burning. sometimes it's a careless word or topic they chose to bring up and that's the spark. continuing the conversation is like adding gas, it gets bigger and you're so caught in it you don't even know you're in the fire. what's wrong with you, seriously!

I wish I could stop this. sometimes I feel myself going crazy. what more can I hold on to? I feel like I'm losing everything. losing myself.
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grateful

sometimes I wonder to myself how this brain of mine is able to do all this shit
how are you able to do so incredibly well even at this level?
people around me praise me for getting my name on the list that writes the names of those who did gloriously well for the papers we sit for
is this a true reflection of the worth of a person?
is it determined by your place on the list?
and I remember that it's all for His glory
and that I am grateful for this ability He has blessed me with
show me ways I can use them to bless those around me
there are still so many aspects I'm lacking in
but I try
all for His glory

1 Cor 10:31 So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.
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sick

have you felt so sick and tired of shit?
this feeling sucks and it's 100 times worse than Os.
and guess what? this is not even As.
heck. not even prelims.
midyears.

dealing with politics sucks. having to put up a front, be somebody who you aren't or being unable to be who you really are out of fear, sucks. there're so few people I can be myself with and I don't even get to meet them so often now. yes there are such people in school but still, school happens. and everyone's only concerned with themselves.

sigh, crazy tired. I really don't need to deal with all this... God help me please :-(
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adapt

so you learn to adapt to new circumstances
without close friends
with people you may not be close to
sigh Father
I have no idea how this will turn out eventually
give me grace to understand
to play a neutral party
help me Father :(
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❤ 2012

Merry Christmas!

Happy birthday Jesus! Thank You for coming to earth this day so many years ago & being our Saviour.

As this year draws to an end, there has been so many things that have happened and I just want to thank You Lord for all that happened! :)

1. Highly Flammable
If I look back at 2011 & 2012, I'm really so proud to say that my cell has grown so much. We've become more bonded & spiritually deeper this year. Last year, I didn't exactly like the cell because I wanted to be in the other cell more. However, God told me to press on and wait on Him. I'm glad I waited because I will never be ashamed to say that I belong to Highly Flammable!

2. Highly Flammable Salts
The zone grew closer this year and I must say I'm really thankful. I formed friendships with the other cell and found my group of friends where I belong to. Challenges happened as people left and others arrived. But what's important is that we stayed strong together in The Lord. I really pray that this zone will not fall apart next year even though we are going to take different paths. Please keep us strong together, Lord!

3. FTC
These five girls... I have learnt so much from each of them. Really thankful that I have these girls I can count on whenever. Each of them is so precious to me and I don't think I will be able to leave any friendship with them behind. Friends are friends forever when The Lord's The Lord of them~ thank You for answering my prayer, Lord, when I prayed for a group of friends I can count on and grow old with as we serve together in Your Kingdom!!!

4. JNTD
Like FTC, I won't be able to let go of these friendships. Even though they brought me hurt this year, it showed me really how much they cared for me and wanted me to know the truth rather than live happily in a lie. Thank you four for the trust and honesty I probably don't deserve. There's probably no ranking of who I love and trust more amongst you four because truth is, I love you all. Thank You Jesus! :)

5. Chewy Chew
Sixteen years with them... It has been a good year of the 10s. :) People say you can't choose your family so I'll be glad that I've been blessed with a hardworking father, caring mother & lovely sister. Sorry that I don't share much about my everyday activities and don't have the habit of reporting my whereabouts but know that I really love all of you. :)

6. Stnicks
The friendships I've made here - priceless. Through the difficult times there have been people I know I can count on and approach for godly advice. Really gonna miss this place so, so, so much. :')

7. O Levels
Major examination and one of my focuses throughout the year. Thank You Lord for guiding me through and helping me to find good study buddies (hungry muggers). Through the CAs, Revision Tests, Prelims and Os, I have found lovely people that want to give their study life to Jesus!

8. Tan Tock Seng Hospital
One week here has probably been one of the highlights in 2012. Pneumonia... A 9-letter word that managed to increase my faith in God so much. Thank You Lord for not giving up on me and allowing me to use this a testimony to tell the world that my God lives and is working in and out of me!

Since I can't think of 4 more major things in 2012, here's the 8 things I'm thankful for in 2012. Those who I didn't mention here, know that I'm thankful for you too!

Give me more obstacles next year Lord as I enter a new school, a new ministry, a whole new world. Keep me rooted in Your Word O Lord!

2013, with God's help I will conquer you!

In everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. (1 Thessalonians 5:18 NKJV)

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Blockage?

The emotional blockage preventing the spirit from clearing the physical blockage.

These blockages need to go. For my body, my soul and my spirit. Because I am good enough for Him and I don't need to redeem myself to earn His love because Jesus has died on the cross for my sins.

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God's Comfort

The comfort lies in knowing that so many people care, so many of them are praying, that I'm mentioned in the prayers of the leaders.

The comfort lies in the presence and joy that the people who visit bring, even though I don't speak but they still make my day.

The comfort lies in knowing that my doctors and nurses and medicines are all working hard, that my body is reacting well.

There is comfort in prayer.

When I asked Jesus for a speedy recovery, to let the days in TTSH pass quickly, the comfort lies in knowing I heard Him say "okay!"

:')

There is comfort.

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